Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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