I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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