Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
