I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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