i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
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Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!