how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.