I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
