I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
