I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
