I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
