I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
