Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
