Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
