wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
