As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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