So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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