i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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