I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
