just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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