He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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