It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
