True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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