It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
