He kissed a someone with a penis
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
