It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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