White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
