So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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