Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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