someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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