It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
