I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
