See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
