It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
