I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
