im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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