I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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