The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
