The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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