I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
