My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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