You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
