There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
