Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
