I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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