I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
