I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They have beer where we have blood.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
