There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
