I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
