Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
