Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
