My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
