do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
