dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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