My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
bring money and cleavage
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
