I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
