My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
