they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
