I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
