I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
