Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Someone came in the potted fern
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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