You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
