Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
