Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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