its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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