Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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