how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
